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Why Eurobasket Sucks

Eurobasket.com is the largest website in the world that exclusively reports on overseas basketball. Most people have never heard of it, but it is required viewing for anyone playing abroad. It actually does a decent job of aggregating the scores and stats from leagues all over the world, but it does so using the ugliest, clunkiest website known to man.

The site is, quite frankly, hard to look at. The layout is hopelessly cluttered, there is no intuitive way to locate old posts, and it is chock full of obnoxious advertisements. Also, the main page is extra awkward because they shoehorn video clips into the middle of the headlines.

One of the front page video clips you can access is a 2 minute highlight of Yugoslavia vs South Korea from the 1996 Olympic games. It has 5 views on youtube, and I think I account for 3 of them.

Timely! At least can’t accuse them of chasing trends.

Then there is the writing. Apparently someone at Eurobasket decided that it was not enough to simply compile scores and stats. They thought it would drive more traffic if they wrote up little game summaries, a la the AP.

But their idea of a summary is to simply announce who won the game, name the top scorers, and say who the teams are playing against in the following week. I suppose that is all you really need, but for some reason the bland, repetitive nature of them has always driven me crazy. As far as I can tell they use the same stock template for every summary, in every league, every year.

Why even bother?! We can see the box score right below! You are verbalizing a box score in broken English! That is not a summary!

Here are the last few sentences of three recent Israeli league games:

Galil

Eilat

Screen Shot 2013-01-03 at 11.52.51 AM

That is some compelling, unique reporting.

They also do little weekly roundups of who the top 10 performers are in each league. These writeups are, of course, painful to read. Putting aside the butchered use of my mother tongue, the articles feature no analysis, no opinion, and no attempt to put any of the performances into context. It almost always ends up being a top 10 countdown of who scored the most points.

The player ranked 7th on their “top performing players” list for this past week had 15 points, 10 boards, and one assist. His team lost. The player ranked 10th had 13, 9 rebounds, 3 assists and 2 blocks in a huge win. It’s not all about points! Where is the outrage?!

I guess the real question is why I even waste my time reading all this when I know they aren’t going to change. I guess I am a eurobasket masochist.

The site also features player blogs written by people from all over the world. On it’s face, this is a great idea. It should be a cool way to get a taste of what it is like to experience different cultures from unique perspectives.

Sadly, it fails on all of those fronts. Just as with the game summaries, the blogs are about as exciting as trimming your lawn with nail clippers.

They all hit a few key points, spout some clichés, and then wrap it up. They provide no more insight than what you could find in a 10 second Google search for “Czech Republic.” Here is my generic Eurobasket player blog:

“Breakfast is different here. Lunch is different here too. Also, if you can believe it, dinner is different here too. I like steak and they gave me something I thought was steak but then I ate it and knew it wasn’t steak. Turns out it was tongue!!!!! The city is so beautiful. I had 20 points last game and we won but we gotta keep it up. There are so many good teams in this league and you never know who is going to bring 110% effort every night. The people are so nice. I love playstation. It gets so cold here! My Yankees are playing tonight and I hope they win. I like the world series. I used to play baseball but then I chose basketball and I am glad I did. I love life!!! See you guys next week!”

But, there is always a silver lining. Just when I had given up hope of finding something on the site that would keep my interest, I stumbled on Dwight Coleman, AKA Sweet Milk. He is a forward in the Swedish League with an amazing, inscrutable, nickname. He gives his posts names like “The Man With The Golden Wrist!!!” and “Triple Decker Sweet Milk Sandwich!!!”

During a post titled “Power of the Positive!!!” he dropped this mind bender: “When positives are accentuated but not exaggerated it allows for the future happenstance of recall of the positive to be brought into fruition today.”

Yes! That’s what I’m talking about, Sweet Milk! People want crazy thoughts that demand to be read 4 times and might be about time travel. Punctuation is for suckers. Give me that any day over a description of the weak-ass potato dumplings you had for lunch.

So, while Eurobasket does a serviceable job of keeping a record of every box score in international basketball, they could be so much more. Some intrepid young web designer needs to step up to the plate and make an awesome basketball site for the overseas crowd. I would try, but I’m too busy re-reading Sweet Milk’s blogs trying to glean some insight into the true meaning of life.

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Natural Doping

Michael Phelps was known to to stimulate his production of red blood cells by sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber that recreates high altitude conditions. Kobe Bryant and Andrew Bynum have flown to Germany to have their blood removed, heated, centrifuged, and reintroduced to their bodies, all in the hopes of stimulating tissue regeneration. During their 2011 championship run, many Dallas Mavericks players utilized cryotherapy, where they voluntarily entered a room as cold as -320 degrees Fahrenheit in order to turbocharge the bodies natural healing response mechanisms.

None of those behaviors listed above are illegal, yet the athletes utilizing those treatments are achieving much of the same results as those who are taking illegal drugs. I think we are at a stage today where those with infinite amounts of time and money can manipulate their bodies with technology in such a way that banned substances might become either irrelevant or overkill.
Continue reading →

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Mt. Whitney

Last June I climbed Mt. Whitney with some friends. Here is what happened:

I was roused out of my sleep by my alarm. It was 3:30 AM. I had driven up north from LA the previous day, slept in a tent, and was now readying to climb the highest mountain in the contiguous United States.

There were 6 other people in the group, and we gathered in the darkness to take stock of everything before we started the ascent. This was when I noticed that it wasn’t actually that dark, because every other hiker had a fitted headlamp. This shocked me. I thought those were only for coal miners.

Dressed for success. Tim rockin a pretty badass walking stick.

I then began to notice that it was not just the headlamps that set this crew apart. They looked like they were a film crew for Planet Earth: Mountains. Thick boots, pants of a special texture that zipped off into shorts, wide brimmed hats, super ergonomic ski pole looking things, backpacks with thousands of pockets and tubes sticking out at perfect drinking height. Those water bladders for your backpack are called camelbacks, and everyone had one.

Except for me. In fact, to this crew, I must have looked like the kid in little league who showed up for games without a mitt, his shoes untied, and snot dripping down his face. I think the money was probably on me to be the guy who sprains an ankle or passes out from dehydration.

I had on basketball shorts and a sweatshirt. I was wearing the beat up backpack I used throughout college. Also, I was rocking a pair of those funny looking shoes with slots for the toes, because who says you can’t climb a mountain AND look like a guy who cares way too much about ultimate frisbee? Continue reading →

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Resume

I need a job. Here is my resume. Spread the word!

SUMMARY

All around good guy who has never been to prison.

EDUCATION

 Harvard University

BA in Government — 2009

Coursework included calculus and economics.

I also spent time using clay to mold likenesses of ancient artifacts, learning about how Odysseus’ knowledge of his own mortality influenced his actions, and writing 8 page essays on 36 word poems. The real world applications are endless!

WORK EXPERIENCE

Glorified Telemarketer, Lawyers on Demand

Los Angeles, CA — For roughly 1 month in the summer of 2006, I cold called people and tried to get them to sign up for some lawer-y service.

       Accomplishments

  • Displayed an unparalleled go getter attitude. One day I spent an entire afternoon dialing up contacts and convincing them to call into a local radio station, K Earth 101, to request that they play the song “Build Me Up Buttercup” by The Foundations.
  • I had a $10 bet with a coworker that the song would get a spin before 4 PM. I almost felt bad for roping her into the bet. Not only had this station been playing the song like it was a classic beatles record on the day after Lennon got shot, but I was begging my friends and family to call up and ask for it.
  • The DJ didn’t play it. I learned a lot about anger management. Continue reading →
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Who Are These Guys??

You have to sign a general D-League contract in order to be eligible for the draft. The league has a vetting process to make sure that only the most qualified people are in the draft pool.

The final list of players eligible for the D-League draft was just released. I was not one of the 261 people on the list. That is going to make things quite difficult for me in the “getting drafted” department.

I had a small chance of being selected even if I was eligible, but it would have been nice to be included. Particularly because of some of the other players that made the cut.

I want to look at some of the shorter people that are in the draft pool, because they are presumably my competition. Keep in mind that everyone listed at 6’0 is probably 5’10, and everyone listed at 5’11 is more like 5’8. That’s just the way basketball works.
For instance, see Courtney Lee, and his 6’5 listing.

I played some pickup against Lee a few years ago, and he is MAYBE 6’3 if he is wearing thick soled shoes and did an hour of yoga that morning. But there is no downside to listing yourself as taller than you are, so you’d be foolish not to.

And just to be clear, I am the last person to denigrate someone just because they are relatively unknown. There are tons of people out there who can thrive if they get an opportunity. Maybe one of these guys will get drafted and have a great career, and if so, more power to them. One of them might have absolutely killed during a tryout. Who knows. It’s just from where I’m sitting, these people seem to be particularly under qualified for inclusion in the draft. Continue reading →

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Reno Tryout

Day 2 of my D-League tryout for the Reno Bighorns was a success. Day 1? Not so much.

The event most integral in improving my performance on the second day occurred before the days activities even started. At the beginning of the morning session, while everyone was milling about and stretching, a player I did not know approached me. He said “You’re a good player, man. You’re a real point guard, and that’s hard to find out here.” And then he walked off.

Goddamn that made me feel so good. In a span of 2 seconds I went from feeling sluggish, annoyed, and silly for making the trip in the first place, to simply radiating good vibes.

It’s amazing how a small compliment from a stranger can change your entire outlook on things. I was of the impression that no one could have come away impressed by my performance on the first day. That one compliment let me know that there are people that notice the little things, and it gave me the hope that the coaches might be taking note of my contributions as well. Continue reading →