How to get through the day when you work at Hollywood talent agency:
- Show up to your desk in the morning. Realize you forgot to do something the night before. Endure some scolding from your boss.
- Blame your bosses previous assistant for the error, no matter what went wrong. “I’m sorry, I guess _____ never filed that. Some people just don’t respect the job.” (Harder to pull off after you’ve established yourself as average and the previous assistant was amazing. But, as the great Wayne Gretzky said, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.)
- Start feeling a little down, because it’s only 10:30 and you’ve already shown your boss how to copy and paste four different times.
- Cheer up, because while you don’t drive a Maserati and own a purebred labradoodle, at least you know how to fucking copy and paste.
- Massage your feet on a golf ball. Don’t worry about the looks you get for being in your socks. Your feet smell great!
- Roll your glutes on a lacrosse ball. Again, discard the wayward looks. Tell them to enjoy having limited mobility their whole life and that you hope medicare pays for their knee replacements. Or, something less mean.
- Tear the right side of your dress pants with the lacrosse ball. Feel foolish. Let a call go to voicemail while you try to fix your pants.
- 45 minutes later, rip the left side of your pants with the lacrosse ball. It’s minor. Shrug it off!
- Stand up. Do full, deep, toe-touch stretches.
- Go to the big bathroom stall for 10 minutes. Do a series of one legged squats and hip stretches. Pause when someone enters to use the stall next to you. Be grateful you can’t smell very well.
- Nervously laugh when you return to your desk and your co-workers start making fun of an “agent” they saw doing squats in the handicap stall. Cover yourself by chiming in about how weird that guy must be.
- See an online advertisement for a car racing game. Feel smug for not playing video games. Then, remember how many hours of your youth were spent playing Cruis’n USA on Nintendo 64.
- Think about Cruis’n USA for a while. Let another call go to voicemail. Contemplate why they chose to spell “Cruis’n” the way they did. Question the sanity of those fans who would stand right behind the finish line while Ferraris skidded toward them at 147 miles per hour.
- If you start getting angry emails, check your voicemail. Reluctantly do work for a few hours.
- Tell one of the agents in your department that he was in your dream the previous night. Think it will make it less weird by saying that it wasn’t a sex dream or anything, it was just the two of you stretching before a basketball game. It doesn’t.
- Take a lap around your floor and listen to some of the ridiculous things being said by the agents:
“We’re talking apples and oranges, but we’re also talking the exact same thing.”
“It’s Black Swan meets 50 Shades of Grey, but comedic.”
Agent 1: “That guy can sell ice to eskimos.” Agent 2: “He can sell baseballs… to a team that already has baseballs.”
“They want to do a classy Fast and the Furious.”
“Go to baller in the dictionary. Go to the b’s and find baller. You’ll see a picture of my face.”
“Maybe I exaggerate too much, but I never lie.” (Biggest lie ever told.)
“I never bullshit people.” (Second biggest lie ever told.)
“How do you spell Nazi?”
“The longer they do it, the less leverage they’ll have! Or maybe, they’ll have more. I don’t know.” (No, you don’t.)
“I’m the king!” (No, you’re not.)
- Eat a 3 inch thick slab of butter atop a hunk of fried liver. So that you have the energy to finish the 37 page article on the Wu-Tang Clan you just printed out.
- Open your jar of homemade sauerkraut. Get worried as people around you start scattering like there’s been a zombie outbreak and they’re trying to make it on the last bus out of the city. Shouts of “I’m gonna puke!” and “It smells like a babies diaper!” sum up the mood of your area.
- Put away the sauerkraut. Try unsuccessfully to blame the whole incident on the previous assistant.
- Throw a pen and get it stuck in the ceiling. Find it much more satisfying than you thought you would.
- Go home and relax! You earned it.