Resume

I need a job. Here is my resume. Spread the word!

SUMMARY

All around good guy who has never been to prison.

EDUCATION

 Harvard University

BA in Government — 2009

Coursework included calculus and economics.

I also spent time using clay to mold likenesses of ancient artifacts, learning about how Odysseus’ knowledge of his own mortality influenced his actions, and writing 8 page essays on 36 word poems. The real world applications are endless!

WORK EXPERIENCE

Glorified Telemarketer, Lawyers on Demand

Los Angeles, CA — For roughly 1 month in the summer of 2006, I cold called people and tried to get them to sign up for some lawer-y service.

       Accomplishments

  • Displayed an unparalleled go getter attitude. One day I spent an entire afternoon dialing up contacts and convincing them to call into a local radio station, K Earth 101, to request that they play the song “Build Me Up Buttercup” by The Foundations.
  • I had a $10 bet with a coworker that the song would get a spin before 4 PM. I almost felt bad for roping her into the bet. Not only had this station been playing the song like it was a classic beatles record on the day after Lennon got shot, but I was begging my friends and family to call up and ask for it.
  • The DJ didn’t play it. I learned a lot about anger management. Continue reading “Resume”

Who Are These Guys??

You have to sign a general D-League contract in order to be eligible for the draft. The league has a vetting process to make sure that only the most qualified people are in the draft pool.

The final list of players eligible for the D-League draft was just released. I was not one of the 261 people on the list. That is going to make things quite difficult for me in the “getting drafted” department.

I had a small chance of being selected even if I was eligible, but it would have been nice to be included. Particularly because of some of the other players that made the cut.

I want to look at some of the shorter people that are in the draft pool, because they are presumably my competition. Keep in mind that everyone listed at 6’0 is probably 5’10, and everyone listed at 5’11 is more like 5’8. That’s just the way basketball works.
For instance, see Courtney Lee, and his 6’5 listing.

I played some pickup against Lee a few years ago, and he is MAYBE 6’3 if he is wearing thick soled shoes and did an hour of yoga that morning. But there is no downside to listing yourself as taller than you are, so you’d be foolish not to.

And just to be clear, I am the last person to denigrate someone just because they are relatively unknown. There are tons of people out there who can thrive if they get an opportunity. Maybe one of these guys will get drafted and have a great career, and if so, more power to them. One of them might have absolutely killed during a tryout. Who knows. It’s just from where I’m sitting, these people seem to be particularly under qualified for inclusion in the draft. Continue reading “Who Are These Guys??”

Hazing

When a bunch of athletes are constantly hanging out with each other, it is natural for a lot of trash talking to go on. But if you are a small, white, Ivy League grad, you are probably going to deal with more crap than the average person. That is just the way the world works. There are a couple of main points people like me have to contend with. Continue reading “Hazing”

Team Meetings

I have a serious bone to pick with the concept of the team meeting. Maybe it is my tendency to view everything through the most bitter lens possible, but I believe they serve no purpose. They are only called when things are going bad. Everyone knows things are going bad. The problems with bad teams usually run deep, and a 45 minute meeting is not going to be enough to change the tide. Call me pessimistic, but that has been my experience.

I have been on some bad teams, but maybe none more dysfunctional than my team last year. The Calabasas Coyotes circa 2002 had some serious head cases, but that is too long ago for the memories to stick out. I also had some classic team meetings in college, but I’ll have to really think about those details before I write about them. So we are sticking with Haifa for now. Continue reading “Team Meetings”

College Speech

I was cleaning my room and found the speech I made at the basketball banquet my senior year of college. Thought it would be interesting to throw up here. It’s kind of sappy, but whatever. It got laughs at the time. At least I didn’t skip the event entirely to go to a Nas concert, something I actually considered. Continue reading “College Speech”

No Love Lost for Cornell

In light of last nights game I feel like I need to talk about the Harvard-Cornell rivalry for a quick second.  So here is my bitter, crimson tainted rant:

Cornell has maintained a special place on my enemies list from the very first game I played against them.  It was up in Ithaca and we had just beat a solid Columbia team.  We were a veteran laden squad poised to challenge Penn for the league title.  It was a back and forth game the whole way.  Continue reading “No Love Lost for Cornell”

Dorm Stories: The Fruit Flies Make Their Play for Total Domination

I am not sure about the exact time frame for this incident, all I know is that it happened sometime during sophomore year.  That was the year that I lived in a 7 man split level suite with 6 people living downstairs and one in an upstairs bedroom.  The suite had an extra, windowless room situated in the middle of the 6 downstairs bedrooms.  At the beginning of the year one of the dominant topics of conversation amidst me and my roommates was what to do with this extra room.  There was talk of making it a video game haven or a comfortable reading area.  Unsurprisingly, what it ended up becoming was a mass storage/trash room.  And by “storage,” I mean throwing anything in there that happened to be in the way.  Eventually the trash disposal part of the room extended to the unused closets across the hall.  These closets became the dumping ground of choice out of some combination of convenience and maintaining a shred of decency by not wanting to put all our trash amidst our stored items. Continue reading “Dorm Stories: The Fruit Flies Make Their Play for Total Domination”