I need a job. Here is my resume. Spread the word!
All around good guy who has never been to prison.
BA in Government — 2009
Coursework included calculus and economics.
I also spent time using clay to mold likenesses of ancient artifacts, learning about how Odysseus’ knowledge of his own mortality influenced his actions, and writing 8 page essays on 36 word poems. The real world applications are endless!
Glorified Telemarketer, Lawyers on Demand
Los Angeles, CA — For roughly 1 month in the summer of 2006, I cold called people and tried to get them to sign up for some lawer-y service.
- Displayed an unparalleled go getter attitude. One day I spent an entire afternoon dialing up contacts and convincing them to call into a local radio station, K Earth 101, to request that they play the song “Build Me Up Buttercup” by The Foundations.
- I had a $10 bet with a coworker that the song would get a spin before 4 PM. I almost felt bad for roping her into the bet. Not only had this station been playing the song like it was a classic beatles record on the day after Lennon got shot, but I was begging my friends and family to call up and ask for it.
- The DJ didn’t play it. I learned a lot about anger management.
Loan Consolidator, An insurance company I forgot the name of.
Calabasas, CA — For, roughly 3 weeks in the summer of 2007, I cold called people and tried to convince them to consolidate their student loans.
- I exhibited profound personal growth and humility by resigning from my position after 3 weeks. I was able to understand at a young age that it would be a crime to shackle my dynamic and innovative personality to a 9-5.
- How could I enhance my spiritual well-being when surrounded by soulless, sheep like men, worshipping at the altar of the dollar? How could I thrive as a sublime life force if I was spending 40 hours a week in a drab, creatively bereft, corporate prison? I needed autonomy, responsibility, freedom! Only then would I be productive and energetic!
- I spent the rest of the summer playing video games.
Professional Basketball Player, A bunch of different teams
Israel — From 2009-2012, I broke ankles out in the Holy Land.
- Learned how to cook!
- Once watched 6 seasons of The Sopranos in under 2 weeks, and I didn’t even like it that much. That’s commitment you don’t see everyday.
- For a couple months in 2011, I was the only white person attending a weekly event called “Black Shabbat.” Call me the Golden Gate of office racism, because I will bridge that gap for you.
- Most likely built up all sorts of immunities by constantly being around stray cats and dogs. No sick days from this guy.
Grunt Worker, Motion Picture and Television Hospital
Woodland Hills, CA — For a few days during a roughly 3 week span in the Winter of 2004, I played Bingo and ate dinner with very old people.
- Learned how to network! Networking is predicated on feigning interest in dull anecdotes, being ready to nod vigorously at any time, and over laughing at jokes, right?
OTHER SKILLS AND INTERESTS
- High level knowledge about nutrition. Will relentlessly expound about the benefits of cutting out refined foods, which will either improve the health of the office or help to foster a stronger sense of togetherness by uniting the employees against the zealot. Both scenarios are bound to help overall productivity.
- Hebrew skills: Is there an Israeli hogging the spotlight at your company basketball games? I can forcefully tell him to pass the ball. I can also curse quite effectively.
- Spanish skills: Grew up in Southern California. Enough said.
- French skills: If there is a French client who needs entertaining, and he also has a young child with him, I will happily engage in conversations with the toddler (3 and under) while someone else deals with the adult. That’s teamwork.
- Have never used Microsoft Excel, but I’ve heard so many other people talk about it that I think I get the gist of it.
Available upon request, but it would be easier if you just contacted me. I know what they are going to say anyway, so let’s just cut out the middle man.